I can only take so many falling X-mas trees

Posted by Ryan Jerz on Monday July 12, 2004.

For some completely insane reason, my kids happen to love that horrific show called America’s Funniest Home Videos. I can’t explain it. Isn’t the show the same every single time it’s on? I remember when The Boy was younger, like, a baby probably, and they came out with this video called something like Babymugs, and all it had on it was some stupid canned music and babis’ faces. there were drooling babies, smiling babies, sad babies, stupid-looking babies, and just about every combination you could possibly think of. They held each kid’s grill up on the screen for about 5-10 seconds, then went to the next one. And the kid watched it over and over and over. I think I’m going to donate it to that poor Adkins kid so it can drive its parents crazy before even turning three. Ayway, that video was good for a little while because you could trick a one or two year old into watching it over and over while you made dinner or something. Television is always how I’ve kept an eye on my kids. But one and two year olds aren’t too tough to fool, you know. You just throw the same thing in there each and every time you need a minute or five and you’re good. But when you have an eight year old and a four year old, reasonbly smart, both of them, you sort of expect them to not be fooled by the mindless crap that television throws at them.

In watching the promo for tonight’s episode of AFV, which was on during that other fine piece of television programming, The Family Feud(Christy begged me to watch it), I was astounded by what I saw. Could they really be doing this to the world again? No , there’s no way they could possibly expect us to go for this again, no way. I mean, how many times do I have to sit through the fat guy breaking the diving board, the person landing improperly on the trampoline, the stupid kid sliding off the innertube and continuing down the sledding trail sans instrument, the cat getting scared shitless by the popping balloon/airhorn/smoke detector, the bride fainting at the altar, the old woman’s girdle falling down on the dance floor, the shitfaced guy unable to either get onto or off of the hammock, the swing flipping upside down with the little fat kid in it, the kid hitting the wiffle ball/golf ball right into the dad’s package, and the best one of all, the dumbass poodle at the back of the conga line. Who doesn’t think a dancing dog is funny? I am getting to the point that I won’t be able to keep dinner down if I have to see any, much less all, of these things in a show again. Please, please, please, Bob Saget or Daisy Fuentes or the host from Hollywood Squares or who the hell ever is hosting that show now, please stop the carnage that is AFV. Kill the thing with a really nasty contract dispute or something. Whatever, just save us from having to watch that stuff ever again.

Ryan JerzRyan Jerz is an all-around good guy who wants people to eventually refer to him as "that dude who climbs mountains."

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