An H2 for you?

Posted by Ryan Jerz on Tuesday August 31, 2004.

It finally occurred to me today. I now know the answer. For a long time now I have thought that people who buy Hummers (not Hugh Grant) did it because they were down with the whole SUV lifestyle. By that, I mean they like the bigness of the SUV. They like the power of the SUV. And, of course, they have small penises. I mean, what man would not want to show off his cajones by picking up the biggest hulking beast he possibly can? It not only makes him feel like a man, it makes him look like a man, you know?

But the SUV lifestyle always seemed just a little bit off. There was something wrong with the picture that I had in my mind of the typical Hummer driver. Your average, run-of-the-mill Expidition driver is a housewife with a cell phone embedded in her ear, and no lane can contain her. You could even say that for the drivers of Range Rovers or Escalades (not the pimped out, slammed with the cool rims ones, though). But the Hummer driver always seems to be a man, obviously in his high earning years. In fact, as I thought about this, and even discussed it with someone at work, I realized that I had never, EVER, seen a woman driving a Hummer. Wow. Never. That seemed just a little bit weird.

Then I started thinking about other vehicles that I had never seen a woman driving. Ferraris, Porsche 911’s, even Boxsters, DeLoreans (admittedly, I’ve really only seen about three of them), Vipers, Corvettes (okay, I did once know a woman who drove a Corvette, but she was a pro tennis player and I was a little kid, and now I don’t even know her name), etc. Catch the theme yet? Those are all Mid-life Crisis Cars. Now you can go ahead and throw Hummers into the Midlife Crisis category. The age of the driver, the fact that he is either bald or has roadkill glued to his head (which is now possible since they do not, to my knowledge, have a convertible Hummer), is clearly looking for chicks, and is now able to actually own the road, all point to the fact that he is in the midst of wondering how he’ll ever feel like a man again. The Hummer offers the look and feel of power, and it offers him the chance to show that power off in a HUGE way. So here’s to the Hummer, making insecure people feel like they have a sack again.

Ryan JerzRyan Jerz is an all-around good guy who wants people to eventually refer to him as "that dude who climbs mountains."

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