Crack Pipe Carly

Posted by Ryan Jerz on Friday August 20, 2004.

Everyone needs to back the hell off this whole Carly Patterson thing. First of all, she straight up choked duringt he team competition, and that really sucks for the rest of the US gymnastics team. Those girls were there to win gold, and their star blew it for them. Then, in the interview after they lost, she acted like it was not that big of a deal. It was almost like she was fine-tuning her act for the individual competition. And we Americans don’t like individuals. We like teams.

Then did you see her interviewed with Bob Costas? Dude, she was on with Bob Costas, not some jackass sideline reporter like Andrea Mitchell or something. It was Bob Costas. And all she could do was look at herself on the in-studio monitor. Costas was asking questions and she was all, “uh huh” and crap like that while she stared at herself. And it totally seemed like when she wasn’t busy ogling herself on the monitor, she was giving completely coached answers to the questions, like “dreams can come true” and “Khorkina told me good job.” Like Khorkina said a word to anybody there. That chick might be the nastiest person I have never met, ever. There’s no way she handled it graciously. I’ll bet her silver medal is on Ebay as we speak.

Then, just in case any of you did not notice, I’m going to warn you all. Patterson and her coach will be found in six months or less in some motel room with a crack pipe and a shitload of porn on the computer. Guaranteed. Christy won’t admit it, but it’s true. Remember when Jenifer Capriati was busted with pounds of weed in a Florida motel room? I do. She was a wreck. And by looking at the coach, I’d swear they already did that crap, but they haven’t been caught yet. The pornstache totally gives him away. And when he put her on his shoulder, I knew it was on.

So she won, big deal. She blew it for her team, wasn’t at all bummed about it, then went out and did what we all knew was possible on her own. And to top it off, she didn’t give us any dirt on that nasty Russian chick. We all know the Russian is mean and hates people. throw us a bone, Carly, and we’ll cut you a break.

Ryan JerzRyan Jerz is an all-around good guy who wants people to eventually refer to him as "that dude who climbs mountains."

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