A Cliche is a Man's Best Friend

Posted by Ryan Jerz on Tuesday January 18, 2005.

Mondays are different now. When I was doing the Monday Night Football thing, I was happy. I got to hang out, maybe have a beer or five, watch the game, then head home and cruise to bed. It was fun. Since it ended, Mondays are when I spend a little time online, look at photographs, maybe tweak them, maybe post them, then go to bed. Well, last night she caught me. I got caught up watching TechTV and some special about how cool the GameBoy is/was/will continue to be. It was fascinating, and since The Boy is the owner of a GameBoy, he was a bit interested in the old technology. Well, that was on at 8. So as it wrapped up, Christy came by and asked if I would hang out with her and watch TV. Being a loving husband, I said that I would. I got jobbed in the deal.

Monday happens to be the night where that horrifyingly stupid show, The Bachelorette, comes on. Words can not begin to describe its awfulness. Everyone knows the premise, but this one’s slightly different. This chick actually won the show where she whored and backstabbed her way to a man’s heart, but the guy apparently was a prick and she bailed. Or something. We actually have these friends who went on this little rafting trip they have up in Tahoe where you just float around on the river at about 1.5 miles an hour. You better bring a lot of beer because you will run out, it’s just best not to realize it because you’re totally wasted. Well, this chick and the previous dude whose family made it big inthe tire business were on the raft with our friends, and they got all pissed that someone dropped water on them from a bridge as they were passing. That kind of shit happens there – as long as you let it. The bridges are only about two feet above the raft so you have to duck to get under them. It wouldn’t be out of the question to get out of the raft and beat said water-dropper into submission, unless you’re deathly afraid of the raging waters of the upper Truckee.

So now she’s back on and “looking for a husband.” I quote that because she said that last night. Well, not last night, but on last night’s show. Actually, maybe she did say it last night, but I wouldn’t know, because I did not speak to her at all yesterday. Anyway, she’s in control now, and all that shit.

Has there ever been a show more dedicated to stupid phrases, ever? Things like “I mean that, from my heart” pop up, like, every 7.4 seconds. Seriously. What, would you be full of shit if it didn’t come “from the heart?” I know I am. At least you pulled all the stops out and abandoned trite bullshit to try to land this hoochie in the sack. She never would have swooned if you hadn’t told her that your heart was in it, you know. The problem for these dumbasses is that she actually seems too smart to buy it. But maybe not. She is doing this crap on TV.

But just when I thought she was too smart for their idiocy, she breaks off the “I don’t know if that’s his belif system” thing. Belief system? Are there salespeople for systems of belief? Do you cruise into a wholesaler looking for a cheap set of beliefs? Or do you stick to the higher end retailer where you know the beliefs are quality and they come with some sort of guarantee? Who has a system of belifs? I have beliefs, but they’re hardly part of a system. I get that there may be groups of people who do subscribe to a system of beliefs, like, for instance, college history professors who are required, as part of that system, to scream things out like, “Republicans are Satan!” at set intervals, even if you don’t really believe that it’s possible for Satan to exist. But to think that a guy who is publically selling his soul for a chance to bag a semi-attractive moron in front of all his friends and non-friends on TV to hold any such system close to his heart is beyond ridicule. It’s straight-up roll out Ludicrous.

I think it’s safe to assume I won’t be “hanging out” with Christy on Monday nights at 9 anymore. That was just unbearable. And to top it off, she claimed to need the iBook for some sort of work thing, so I was stuck just watching. I didn’t have the luxury of letting my mind wander off to other, more fulfilling places.

Ryan JerzRyan Jerz is an all-around good guy who wants people to eventually refer to him as "that dude who climbs mountains."

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