Don't EVEN get me started

Posted by Ryan Jerz on Friday May 12, 2006.
the girl's soccer jerseyOn what, you ask? Soccer. But before I ask a few very poingnant questions, let me recap what we had here earlier today.

My thanks go out to all of the people who participated in guess that city. It was a fun time, and the point was made: Sparks is terrible. In fact, if you read the first paragraph of Wikipedia’s entry about Sparks, you get a great quote, which I had never heard until now, and I find completely appropriate. But Sparkies (those who inhabit Sparks) are unavoidable around here, so we have to deal with them.

Okay, back to soccer. Did anyone out there have a clue that the MLS was even still around, much less expanding? Neither did I.

Soccer is lame. Wait. it has a purpose. The Girl plays soccer, and that’s just fine. She’s six. She needs to play games to keep her body active and to learn how to work in groups. Take special care to read what I just wrote. I did not say “sports” or “teamwork.” Because soccer isn’t a sport, and unless it’s a sport, teamwork is not a valid word. But don’t get me wrong here. Soccer has a place – on the grass fields of elementary schools and city parks. Not in front of 100,000 drunk Euros lobbing bags filled with urine at opposing clubs.

So what, exactly, is the MLS still doing here? And why are they expanding? We may never know, but it’s getting a bit scary. A team is even in The SLC. Whiskey, tango, foxtrot? How did they invade my region? There are already two teams in my hometown of Los angeles. Do they have to continue to insult me by getting even closer?

And look at the game. One guy kicks a ball around, and eleven guys fromt he other team try to stop him. So he kicks it backards because the other team’s guys arent backwards. It’s like Smeer the Queer only with what you presume are adults. What’s going on here? Score a goal or something, so we don’t have riots after the World Cup is decided by a shootout after a nil-nil tie in 800 minutes of regulation play. I can’t believe I said nil-nil.

In our house, soccer is only watched on the spanish language channels. It’s easy for the kids to learn a foreign language through repitition. “He passes it, then he passes it, intercepted. He passes it, he passes it, intercepted.” If you hear that over and over, eventually you understand “he passes it, he passes it, intercepted,” in spanish. Plus, somehow, they keep us on the edges of our collective seats just wanting to hear some guy scream, ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL,” at some point. I think I’ve actually heard it once in three years of watching soccer on spanish TV. And it’s on every day and three channels. Amazing.

We must end the madness of soccer invading our great nation. Please, when your kid turns 10, turn them on to something else. Get them into a real sport, like golf, or curling. But unless your daughter has a shot at a college scholarship because of this children’s game, they must not continue to play past elementary school. It’s vital to our nation’s survival.

Ryan JerzRyan Jerz is an all-around good guy who wants people to eventually refer to him as "that dude who climbs mountains."

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