I had an experience tonight. You’ve heard about it before. One of the problems that comes with living within a half-mile from Reno’s Premier Funny Fuck is that you know what he’s talking about when he mentions grocery store clerks. And believe me when I tell you that the clerk he’s talking about, despite what his wife says, is evil. Here’s my story.
Tonight (I write this at 11:35 pm PST). Cinco de Mayo (one of my three favorite Liz Phair songs). What might one go to the store for today? Not the pails of Coronas and Pacificos they had, good deal that they might be. I went for the Tequila and margarita mix. I had to pass up the Cuervo hat was all on display and shit, but for way more money to get to the cheaper stuff. This is about the party, not the taste, you know? And speaking of parties, Christy had to be gone until seriously 11:00 for some school shit so I was all by myself. Let the drinking begin! But all of that is beside the point.
Let me take you back to Albertson’s and my purchases for this evening. I was standing in the line with my tequila and margarita mix (the 15 item or less line, btw) as an Albertson’s employee approached me. “Can I help you over here?” she asked. I looked up, noticed the evil mulleted clerk, and had to think fast. Before I knew it, I was in “do not insult” mode and headed over to her line. Hell, at least I was first. How bad could it be, right? You know how bad it can be.
I set my two items down. “Welcome to Albertson’s,” she says. I almost replied, but wanted to keep this simple. “Did you find everything okay?” was the next question. Lady, it’s May 5th, I have cousins of Mexican descent, I’m buying tequila and margarita mix, how fucking hard do you think it was to find the stuff? “Yes,” I reply, with a slight chuckle. The Boy is looking at me like, “Dad, doesn’t she realize that tonight is the night for the Ritas?” I glance back at him like, “Chill, let’s just try to survive this so we can get to the drinking.” He looked back like, “Cool,” and gave me a nod. I figured that if we just kept quiet, we’d be out of there, and the tequila would be opened in less than five minutes. Wrong.
“Have you seen our Extreme Bonus Buy™? It’s one pound of [some brand of] chocolate for just $3.00.” “No thanks, that takes too long to work off,” I said, thinking of how many laps around Virginia Lake it would take to burn that shit off my body. “oh, come on, I have it in sugar-free.” “No, thanks.” “It would be great for Mother’s Day!” “Nah, I’m fine with no chocolate. But thanks.” She fires back, “You can’t beat me.” “Nope, you’re quite the salesperson. That must be why they moved you into the management role.” “Yeah, I’ve been here awhile, too.” As she says this, the receipt is finally spitting out he machine, albeit slow as hell. I am staring. Finally, she tears it off, looks at it, and fires out, “You saved $3.00! Thanks for shopping Albertson’s!” “Thank God for cheap tequila on Cinco de Mayo,” I think. Then, out of sheer assholitude, I turn to the person next in line, and say, “You really should take a look at that chocolate.” I’m gone. Happy Cinco de Mayo, y’all.