First, the why of this entry. I need this to be clear right off the bat. I am only making this post as an attempt to whore myself out to the world, and when this is over, posts like this, if ever seen again in this place, will have been made by some sort of evil hacking bastard that only serves the purpose of dragging my name through the mud after I’m dead, because as long as I’m alive to stop it, it will be impossible to make it happen. Everyone clear? Good. If not, then move along now because you’re not smart enough to be here.
While it is not yet up on their site, or in the nifty (while very badly color coordinated) little script they sent me to slap prominently on my site, I am a participant in the King of the Blogs weekly competition. It is an opportunity to bitchslap a few other people who find themselves unable to just live their lives quietly. And I plan to do just that. The bitchslapping, I mean. Now, obviously I won’t be using this entry as part of the competition. Why not? I know, it’s a great one so far, but I can’t. See, I have to keep the swearing to a minimum. That straight-up blows. I am at my funniest when my mouth is left to go USC on the Oklahomas of the world. Anyone whose mom/grandma told them that you only cuss when you have nothing intelligent to say was raised by an idiot. I am only intelligent when I cuss. It’s inherently funny, and my humor comes from thoughts, not bodily functions.
Now that we have the why, I’ll give you the what. I wanted to do like everyone else who is the proud proprietor of a “blog” and tell the world why I “blog,” even though I do not consider this site a “blog” but a shrine to my very existence maintained similarly to the shrines that lonely dudes throw up to supermodels and athletes and all that crap. The difference here is that since my shrine is run by me, you actually get a little interaction with the shrineworthy individual. So think of this site not as a blog, but as an opportunity to see what the hell I actually care about, as told by me, and not a secondhand account that someone read in a fashion mag or gleaned through a press release. This is me – raw, unadulterated, and actually honest.
So here is the dirt. Why do I do it? I do it for a very simple reason. I want to effect a paradigm shift, in which the end result is a better world. Several times in my life, people have told me, “Ryan, you are awesome. I wish I was you.” Then, I started reading other “blogs.” It all hit me. I am pretty special. I do have an awesome life. Everybody needs to know about it. If they do, then maybe they’ll change their lives to be more like me, and as a result, our government will become more efficient, happier, and more open. Then, other governments of the world will follow suit because, you know, this is the US and everyone wants to be the US, right? Because one person decided to share their life with el blogosphero, the world will have improved. Kind of like what Bill S. Preston, Esq. and Ted Theodore Logan did. Or that ant Flick, from A Bug’s Life did, only a little different. It’s a very noble goal, I know. But if there is a person who is capable of achieving such a lofty enterprise, I know I am it.
So to all of you who visit as a result of this competition, you now have the background. Regular readers have always known this and are currently working on their own life improvement. It’s a long road, but one that can have a very fruitful destination. Come back and read more, as new chapters are revealed. Basically, I’m telling you to give this site a few weeks. If you don’t get it, I’ll be man enough to admit that you just need to give it a few more weeks. If it still doesn’t work for you, then I’ll definitely be man enough to admit that you just aren’t cut out for the lifestyle, mostly because you’re not worthy or something. Try it. So, go get naked, pour yourself a stiff drink, and start clicking through the archives.