Straightening the Curves

Posted by Ryan Jerz on Tuesday March 1, 2005.

Being sick all weekend allowed me to catch up on some old television I seemed to have forgotten about in recent years. I used to love The Dukes of Hazzard. And lately I’ve been hearing about this job that was offered up to watch all the shows and blog about the Dukes. Sounded cool. But even cooler was that CMT was trying to promote their newfound love of the Dukes by showing an assload of episodes all weekend long. So laying around on the couch watching Bo and Luke run moonshine for Uncle Jesse while Roscoe P. Coltrane and his partner Anus (as The Girl calls him) try to catch them Dukeboys for Roscoe’s fat little buddy Boss Hogg seemed just perfect.

But it was better than that. Both kids got to see a part of my childhood that just hasn’t been around for a long time. Plus, they were exposed to other cultures that we just don’t see around here. Well, one culture, at least. That’s Southern Culture. And if you don’t believe me that it’s different down there, just ask Eubank. He’ll set you right straight there. There were times when we were watching and Christy wasn’t, and Boss Hogg would be giving some sort of red-faced instructions to Roscoe and Christy would look at the TV and say, “I don’t think I understood a word he just said.” Actually, that’s par for the course. But enough about the language differences. The best part of the whole show is that the Dukes often turn to a friend for a little help. That friend owns a garage. His name is Cooter. And in real life, the dude actually became a freaking congressman. A dude named Cooter was a congressman. Not only was he a congressman, but he once stle Limo 1 piss drunk in an episde. If the voters knew that, would they ever have considered voting for him? That’s doubtful in any part of the country except Georgia. Like I said, talk to Eubank.

Speaking of Georgia, we here at happen to know someone from Georgia. And someone really close to us has her roots in Georgia. And now it all makes sense. Sometimes Christy tries to speak and things like, “Ryan can you get the cew kew kids in the car?” And I’m all, “What?” And she’s all, I said, get the kids in the car. And I’m like, “Sure, that’s a big 10-4 there Sheriff Roscoe.” And then I get shot a look. But now I know. Now I know about that Dukes of Hazzard metal lunchbox witht he Stars and Bars on the Thermos. I’ve caught on. Now I know why she was always into my friend whose last name was Enos. And now I know why she tried to get me to name The Boy Cletus. And Cletus wasn’t even semi-smart on the show.

But seriously, the show is not half bad. I really learned a few things that I just did not know when I watched it as a kid. Like, the Dukes were really doing bad things. Running moonshine is not legal. And even though Boss Hogg (what the hell is his job, anyway?) and Roscoe were crooked (although Roscoe should be excused for being dumb), the Dukes belonged in jail far more than they were wrongfully put into it. And in the late 70’s,/early 80’s sexism was still damn prevalent. The Dukes were helluva quick to hook Daisy up with whatever dude happened to have been wronged that week by the crooked cops. But I guess her calling everybody “Sugar” didn’t help her image much. And how was it that Roscoe was a complete dolt, but could drive so damn well in a far inferior vehicle? And where the hell did Hazzard County get all the cash to buy new copcars after Enos rolled them thrice per hour? I guess I have more questions now than I got answers. But such is life and growing up. Here’s to a long run by the Dukes on CMT!

Ryan JerzRyan Jerz is an all-around good guy who wants people to eventually refer to him as "that dude who climbs mountains."

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