This Time I'm Serious

Posted by Ryan Jerz on Thursday December 2, 2004.

A couple of words have really bothered me lately. These are words that, when I hear them, I sort of cringe, because I know the people using them have just altered their day to day self and become the slave of the industry and marketing involved with the industry of which they are speaking. The words: garment and portion.

Garment is just silly. Who says it? Nobody, except dry cleaners. That’s it. When garment is used, it’s always going to be about dry cleaning. “They only charge $1.25 per garment.” “Sorry sir, this garment was damaged as we pulled it from the press.” Nobody tells you a story about trying to pick something to wear for the company Christmas party, like “I couldn’t choose the right garments, so it drove me crazy.” It’s always like, “I couldn’t find the right clothes. . .” So when I hear someone use the word garment, I know the dry cleaners have gotten to them. Additionally, if you’re going to the dry cleaners, you probably have to dress up way too much in your job for me. See, I wear shorts allt he time. Except now, because it freaking cold around here. But since I wear shorts, I have ne reason to ever set foot in the dry cleaners, so when I hear someone use the word garment, I stay the hell away. They’re obviously above me on the dressing food chain, and I can’t be seen around them, lest my reputation get tarnished. Because when the dry cleaners have gotten you, the only way to get out is to take a major fall at some point, then pick yourself back up, and try to move on.

Portion almost makes me sick when I hear it. Especially since I only hear it in one very specific context. When discussing the restaurant Claim Jumper. “Their portions are ginormous!” will be the exclamation of whichever person has forced themselves to overeat by attending that place. Nobody ever talks about small portions, unless they’re a diet doctor, and nobody takes those ass monkeys seriously. Diet doctors need to portion themselves out a bit thinner, if you ask me. And you did when you read down this freaking far on the page. Nobody ever says, “What portion of the cleaning would you like me to do?” or, “My teacher passes out large portions of homework.” But every single time I hear someone even say the words “Claim Jumper” in a sentence, some cheesebag from whatever group that is talking, no matter what the size of said group, pipes up with, “Thier portion are huge.” Yeah, I get it! I’ve seen the place. But someone, sometime, PLEASE, just tell me that they serve big meals. Lose the portions. This is America. We use colloquialisms here. We do not need to have you use the PROPER word when describing the size of meals being dealt out in that hellhole of a restaurant. Say, “Holy Shiiiit the food there is big!” I would get it. Everyone would get it. Because that’s how we talk here.

So, in order to use those words around me, you’d better not be a native English speaker. I’ll have to paraphrase my good friend “Jim Rome: in saying that if you hear someone use either of those words, and they don’t have some sort of Euro accent, call the cops, because you’re going to need them to pull me off their asses when I start beating the crap out of them in huge portions.

Ryan JerzRyan Jerz is an all-around good guy who wants people to eventually refer to him as "that dude who climbs mountains."

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