Our Island Experience

Posted by Ryan Jerz on Monday September 6, 2004.

I was going to write about the kick-ass tiki torches we picked up at the drug store today for 75¢ apiece. Then I was going to tell you that we lit them and all four of us were hanging out in the back yard dancing around to island music and drinking really good tropical-type drinks from all the cheap booze we got at Trader Joe’s, then that the kids went to bed without bitching about a single thing. What a hell of a night this was, you know?

But that didn’t exactly work out as planned. Sure, we did get some cheap booze at Trader Joe’s. And on the way out of the neighboring drug store, we saw the tiki torches on “Manager’s Special” for just 75¢, to which I said, “Hell, we shall buy two then!” We arrived back home, got the children showered and planted the torches into the earth. After preparing and getting everything out of the kids we could get in the way of preparing for bedtime, we broke out the butane lighter thing and lit the torches. They lit and were aflame for nary a minute before fizzling out. WTF? WTF!?

Why on earth would the “Manager’s Special” torches not work? People cursed the drug store. People cursed the island gods. But nobody thought to curse the jackass dad who had no idea those things require kerosene to hold a flame. Who knew? Yeah, those tiki torches you buy only when either they’re on sale or you’re already drunk and heading back to the party actually require kerosene to stay lit for longer than it takes to burn the wick. You know what I say? I say they need to make those damn things so that any drunk jackass can pick one up and just light it and watch it burn. There should be no reason why you should require a man or woman who is completely blasted to buy an additional half-gallon of flammable liquid in order to have a little fun at a party.

Ryan JerzRyan Jerz is an all-around good guy who wants people to eventually refer to him as "that dude who climbs mountains."

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